Red Vs Blue: Blood Gulch Project
by Auralee
Summary: Everyone's favorite idiots go about their day-to-day lives-until an ONI operative comes to observe the effectiveness of these so-called "soldiers". Blade returns for one all-out silly Spec-Op. Rated for language and implied situations.
1. Prologue: The Stage Is Set

Hello to all my readers! As some of you may have noticed, I've had a poll up for a few months asking what I should do next. Final result: Blade goes to Blood Gulch. This is my first RVB fic, so please be nice. Flames will be used on my neighbors in the dorms.

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or RVB.

**Prologue: The Stage Is Set**

The woman entered the box canyon, keeping to the shadows with practiced ease. No mean feat, either, considering that it was in the middle of what was proving to be a very hot day. _Not many shadows here to work with, but enough._ Thankfully, she'd found a network of caves and tunnels both above and below ground, which would come in handy over the next couple of weeks. _Not sure why the brass wants me toying with these misfits, but it sounds like fun. Just in case, though, I'll have Lorienna check in and keep an ear out._

Adjusting her pack, she looked around for a worthwhile perch to scout the area. Most operatives would've been satisfied with a high point, but she was no fool and hadn't survived this long by taking what was available. No, she needed a high point with some sort of concealment. A nearby cliff proved the perfect locale—it was high enough to offer a view of both sides of the canyon, and the position of the sun would blind anyone who tried to look up there. _Couldn't get any better that that. Now, how to get up there?_

From her vantage point, she had an excellent view of the two bases she'd been sent to observe. Neither one had a sentry, and from what she could see there was almost nothing in the way of security. _Sloppy, no clue how they've gone this long without an invasion. _Then again, this canyon **was** in the middle of nowhere, so it was likely the Covenant hadn't found it yet. _Though that could change any day now, any moment. Granted it'd be mostly renegades, but even so…I'm beginning to see why they sent me out here._ A grin began to appear on her face—she had a number of interesting ideas for this place.

**RED BASE**

"Grif, ain't you got that jeep cleaned yet?"

The orange-armored soldier shrugged his shoulders. "Sarge, you asked _Lopez_ to work on the jeep, didn't you?"

"Nope, Lopez gets to fix the jeep, you get to clean it. Now get yer lazy ass in gear, dirtbag."

Grif sighed, turning to face the jeep right as a shadow ran behind it. "What the fuck? What the hell was that?"

"Grif, quit standin' around and get crackin'. When you're done you get to clean the commissary, I don't want Donut putting lace curtains up again."

Smiling to herself, the woman planted bugs throughout the base as she listened to the CO run his mouth. From time to time she heard a voice agreeing with everything the fool said, and a male voice singing…wait, _singing?_ Sure enough, as she turned a corner she spotted a man in _pink armor_ hanging lace curtains around the firing ports. _Wow, just when you think you've seen it all…glad I'm recording this or ONI'd never believe it._ Shaking her head, she ran past the jeep, cringing as the orange-armored soldier spotted her; fortunately, the sergeant in charge was so stuck on himself that she was able to get away. _Now for the other base…_

**BLUE BASE**

"Church, Church! Look what I found in my room!"

Church sighed as he looked at the small black button in Caboose's hand. "Caboose, that's a button. What the fuck is interesting about a button? It probably fell off your uniform."

"This button is shiny. It flashed a light when I picked it up."

Tex walked in at the end of the last sentence and cocked her head at the pair of Blue soldiers. "A flashing button, eh? Might be important. Caboose, can I see that for a second?" Without waiting for an answer she grabbed the button and crushed it.

"TEX! What the fuck-?"

"It's a bug, Church. Someone's got into the base and put this here. We're being watched." That got the private's attention.

"The fuck? You think it's the Reds?"

"Too smart for the Reds, otherwise I'd've seen them by now. No, this is someone else."

"O'Malley?"

Tex gave an exasperated sigh. "Church, do you REALLY think O'Malley would be spying on us?"

Church shook his head. "No, guess not. Any ideas?"

"Not yet, I'm going to take a look around."

_Okay, THAT'S not good. Apparently Blue team has some brains attached—this'll make my job a lot harder. _Still, she was up for the challenge; planting a few more bugs around the base, the woman slipped out the back way and cringed: there was a soldier in teal armor humping a good-sized boulder. _EWWWWWWW! I am SO not going that way, not after that!_ Trying to mentally scrub away the image, she turned around and came face-to-face with a soldier in black armor.

"Okay, you've got five seconds to explain or I start shooting," a woman's voice came from the black helmet. She recognized her from the briefings—this was the operative from "Project: Freelancer" that she'd been warned about.

"Hello to you too, Agent Texas; some mutual friends send their regards." Smirking, she activated her camouflage and moved off, deciding that the pervert was a safer bet than the freelancer.

**UNKNOWN LOCATION, SOMEWHERE IN BLOOD GULCH**

"SPARTAN-000, reporting in."

"We read you, SPARTAN-000. Awaiting status report."

"Red base is bugged, frequency Alpha-Chi-0142. Blue base is bugged, but project may be compromised. Repeat, project may be compromised."

"SPARTAN-000, please elaborate. You said project may be compromised?"

"Affirmative. Agent Texas from Project: Freelancer is on site. She's found and destroyed one of my listening devices already."

"Understood. Await further instructions. Maintain observations for now."

"Copy that. SPARTAN-000, out."

Disassembling the communications relay, SPARTAN-000, the infamous BLADE, settled in for what would prove to be a very interesting assignment.


	2. Chapter 1: A Little Chat

Hello again! I've been getting quite a few positive responses for this story so far-and I can only hope I meet the reader expectations! :D Also, a number of people have pointed out my error in naming Tex as "Agent Nevada"-this has been rectified. Enjoy! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or RVB.

**Chapter One: A Little Chat**

**July 24, 2556 0745 hours**

**Blood Gulch Canyon**

**Day Two**

Laura woke early, far too early from the looks of things. _When does the sun even _rise_ on this planet?_ Shaking her head, she slid out of her bedroll and packed up camp; one nice thing about this canyon was the warm temperature, which meant she could sleep under the stars. This was a luxury she knew she couldn't afford, but she indulged in it anyway. _Not like any of these washouts could give me any trouble—well, except for Agent Texas. No doubt she'll want answers eventually._ Stretching out her limbs and shaking the rest of the sleep out of her head, Laura turned her attention to breakfast: camp rations and a pot of tea—carefully packed into her gear, enough varieties to last her for nearly a month. _Should be careful, though—who knows how long I'll be out here._ Technically she was only going to be here for a few weeks, but one never knew what might happen.

Once her breakfast was finished, Laura turned her attention to the bugs she'd placed in the two "enemy" bases. Deciding to start with Red Base, she tuned her radio to frequency Alpha-Chi-0142.

**RED BASE**

Donut was humming cheerfully to himself as he prepared breakfast: pancakes, waffles, bacon, eggs, toast, and grits for Sarge. He was especially happy because of the new lace curtains: they were just so _cheery_.

"Wake up sleepyheads!" he called down the hallway. "Breakfast is almost ready!"

"Donut, will you shut the fuck up already? Nobody cares if it's breakfast time—_especially_ since we had to stay up all night covering _your watch_!" Simmons stumbled into the mess hall, glaring at the pink-armored soldier before heading straight for the coffee pot.

"Hey, I was working on something real important. Besides, it's _not_ like the Blues are going to attack us in the middle of the night. No one ever does anything in this canyon in the middle of the night."

Grif wandered in, brown hair in rumpled disarray, half his armor off, and swiped a piece of bacon from the pan—or tried to. "Yeowch! Damn, Donut, that's hot."

"That's what you get for not waiting, silly." Shaking his head, Donut started dishing out the various breakfast foods on trays, still humming some ridiculous tune.

"Donut, what in Sam Hill are you doing?" Sarge had decided to make his entrance. "And what the hell are those things on the walls?"

"I hung them up last night, Sarge. Aren't they great?" He slid a tray in front of the red-armored soldier, complete with grits. "Breakfast is ready, sir."

"Donut, anyone ever tell you you're fucked up?" Grif asked in resignation.

"Grif, everything's fucked up to you."

"Shut the fuck up Simmons."

**UNKNOWN LOCATION**

Laura stuffed her fist in her mouth, unsure how well sounds might carry in the canyon, and unwilling to risk exposure from laughing her fool head off. _And these people are in an _army?_ How did they even make it through boot camp?_ A few giggles escaped her mouth, and she wiped some tears away. _The brass are never gonna believe this!_ Deciding to check on the Blues, she switched the frequency to Delta-Chi-0938.

**BLUE BASE**

"Church! Church! Where's Church?" Caboose came skidding into the mess hall, knocking over a table and some chairs. Tucker, who had been eating some Lucky Charms, looked up in annoyance.

"What the hell, Caboose? Why would Church be in here?" The teal-armored soldier shook his head in annoyance.

"Where's Church? Have you seen Church? I wanted to show him something."

"Caboose, I don't think he really gives a fuck."

Meanwhile, on the other side of the base, two soldiers crawled out of bed and started putting on two suits of black and cobalt armor, respectively.

"Damn, Church, I forgot how good of a lay you are."

"I know I am—and you missed every bit of it, didn't you?" Tex shook her auburn hair out of her eyes.

"Not your 'morning after' attitude—that I could live without." Still, she smiled: this was how they'd always been, dancing around the truth with insults. It was easier this way.

"Admit it, Tex, you love it."

"You _do_ realize I could kill you right now?"

"Point taken." After a brief pause while he fumbled with the chest-piece of his armor, Church asked, "So, about those bugs we found?"

"Yeah, I planned on trying to track down the person that set them up. Caught her trying to sneak out of the base yesterday—she's good, almost got past me."

"You think she's another freelancer?" Church doubted it—Tex had told them that there were only about fifty people in the program, and most of those were dead.

"Doubt it, but she knows about it. Told me that some 'mutual friends' sent their regards. And she called me Agent Texas—_no one_ outside the program knew my callsign. I plan on finding out just what else she might know."

"Gotcha. Just…be careful, okay? I'd rather not lose the war to the Reds because our best fighter's out scouting."

"Cockbite."

**UNKNOWN LOCATION**

Laura packed up the radio and stowed it away: she wanted to get everything moved to a new location as soon as she could. That was easier said than done, though. If she moved everything now Agent Texas could get at it, but if she wasn't ready to move out she was screwed six ways to Sunday. _Get everything ready to move out, this way I can grab and go as needed. From the sounds of things I might have a visitor later—I need to prepare an appropriate reception._

**1532 hours**

**Unknown location, Blood Gulch Canyon**

The afternoon sun beat down on the canyon, baking the walls and the valley. Tex was grateful that her armor was temperature-regulated, but she would still be glad to get it off later on. Running cloaked through the canyon, she decided to stick to the walls—it was reasonably cooler and shaded here, so someone without armor would prefer it over here. She also had to be careful—O'Malley was still around somewhere, and she was taking no chances that he might not be setting up an ambush.

"Hello Agent Texas." The voice came from directly behind her, but there was nothing there—not even the tell-tale shimmer of someone in camouflage. Wai—was that it? Or were those heat waves rising from the canyon floor?

"Show yourself," Tex demanded, hefting her battle rifle.

"Temper, temper, Agent Texas. You really need to learn some anger management skills." There was a chuckle before the heat waves resolved into the figure of a woman in black. "You can lower that, you know—you've nothing to fear from me yet. Not that it'd do any good. I have a shield on, after all." She moved to a boulder and sat down, a half-smile playing across her features. Dark brown hair was pulled back into a long braid, and brown eyes eyed her with amusement.

"Who the hell are you?" Tex demanded.

"Who _I _am is unimportant, we both know that. So why not stop beating around the bush and ask what you came to ask." Whoever this was, she sounded bored, as if getting threatened at gunpoint was nothing new to her.

"What are you doing here? Why were you sneaking around our base?"

The woman snickered. "_Your_ base? I was under the impression you were part of Project: Freelancer, not a member of the supposed Blue army. Thank you for the laugh, though—it's been quite in keeping with the rest of my day. No," she continued, still smirking, " I'm sure you remember quite well who and what you are—an experimental hired gun who somehow managed to escape from confinement after the project was shut down."

Tex's eyes narrowed under her helmet. "You know an awful lot for some random stranger."

"But I'm _not _a random stranger, am I? Did you ever consider _who_ came up with Freelancer in the first place? Or who oversaw it? Your program was administered by the same watchdogs that sent me out here—they have their fingers in quite a few pies, as the saying goes." One eyebrow arched in amusement as the woman continued, "I'm sure you've figured out by now that I'm not your average snoop—hell, on a good day I could probably outpace you, though I'd rather not put it to the test. If I wanted to I could easily have slipped in your base last night and slit all your throats…and yet here we are having a conversation. I'm not here to kill anyone."

"Then why are you here?" Tex was getting frustrated—the other woman was dancing around the subject.

"Fine, I'll give it to you straight. I've been sent to observe what's going on here—my superiors are curious how the canyon has gone unnoticed for so long. Both bases are being monitored, and for now all I'm doing is watching."

"For now?"

"Like I said, I'm not here to kill anyone—but that doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything." With a smile, the woman activated her camouflage and disappeared. Tex turned around quickly, but there was nothing to be seen.

"Damn it, where the hell did she go?"

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura giggled like a maniac as she sped off to a new location. _This is getting to be one of the most fun assignments I've ever had! Wonder what'll come next?_ She had yet to receive any new orders from ONI, or the go-ahead for the next stage of the mission, but she had no problem sitting and observing-these idiots were better than a movie. _Good thing I remembered the Jiffy-Pop, I can't wait to see what these loons do next!_**  
**


	3. Chapter 2: Carnage, Chaos, and Comedy

Hello again! Sorry about the delay-I'm taking about 19 credit hours this semester, and had to register for next semester and all that other fun stuff. Plus my fiance joined the Marine Corps and leaves beginning of December so I'm spending as much time with him as I can before he leaves-but I finally get an update! Anyways, this is the next stage of the whole observation bit, and I personally found it funny (but that's just me). And to the anonymous reviewer who said the whole RVB series was a test for the Freelancer Program-yes, I know. For the purposes of this story, however, assume the UNSC's interest is based on a "last case" scenario: could they count on these guys if the $#!t hit the fan? Anyways, shutting up now. Enjoy! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or RVB.

**Chapter Two: Carnage, Chaos, and Comedy**

_ "SPARTAN-000, reporting in."_

_ "Affirmative, SPARTAN-000, awaiting status report."_

_ "Phase One completed, awaiting go-ahead for Phase Two."_

_ "Roger that, begin commencement of Phase Two. Repeat, commence Phase Two."_

_ "Understood. Any word from Sierra-One-One-Seven?"_

_ "Negative, but we'll send word ASAP. Command out."_

**August 1, 2556 0400 hours**

**Blood Gulch Canyon**

**Day Ten**

Clapping her hands and giggling like a madwoman, Laura eyed the package in front of her. After her brief communication with ONI the night before, she'd put on a pot of tea and proceeded to drink the whole thing down—she needed to stay awake for the late-night supply drop. _The one time I need coffee—disgusting stuff that it is—I don't have it on hand. Ah well, shit happens._ Still, the amount of caffeine combined with the adrenaline rush had her literally bouncing off the cave walls—an dangerous thing for a Spartan. Black powder, napalm, fougasses, mortar shells—granted, these would ordinarily kill a human being, but in her careful and skilled hands that wouldn't be a problem. _Time to put all this adrenaline to good use, got a lot of work to do_. Grinning, Laura set to work.

**0657 hours**

**Unknown location, Blood Gulch Canyon**

_Almost didn't get everything in place in time_, Laura thought as she sped back to her hideout. Still, the stage was set, and the show was about to begin. _Just in time to start the popcorn_. Fingering the detonator lovingly, she stuck a pan of Jiffy-Pop in the embers of her campfire and snickered evilly. The last week or so had given her a good idea of the acoustics in the canyon, and if she was right…Keying open both radio frequencies, Laura grinned and watched as the popcorn began popping.

**RED BASE**

Donut was just starting breakfast when the gunfire started.

"What the hell? Who's shooting at us? OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Grif and Simmons were on top of the base, running around frantically. "WHERE ARE THEY? I CAN'T SEE ANYONE!"

"WHO THE FUCK IS SHOOTING AT US?"

Predictably, Sarge had a ready explanation. "Those dirty Blues have found a way to shoot all the way across the canyon. Grif, Simmons, open fire!"

"OPEN FIRE? How the FUCK do we shoot across the fucking CANYON!"

**BLUE BASE**

The gunfire sent everyone catapulting out of bed—Tex and Church completely naked. Caboose started screaming and shooting at everything that moved.

"CABOOSE! Stop fucking shooting, you almost hit me!" Tucker yelled, trying to tug pieces of armor on before stopping dead. "Umm…why are you two naked?"

"Tucker, we're being attacked by the Reds and all you notice is that we're naked! What the fuck is wrong with you? Now grab a gun and start shooting!"

"Church, there's _no one_ out there! How can someone be shooting at us if there's _no one out there shooting!_"

"Who the fuck cares? Just open fire!"

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

_Wow, this is way too much fun! How can they _not_ tell the difference between popcorn popping and gunfire?_ Laura smiled as she popped the buttery snack in her mouth, watching the second container pop and sizzle—she easily went through two or three containers in one go. Listening to the chaos caused by her snack, she pressed the buttons on the detonator, and the whole cave rumbled beneath her.

The explosions sent both teams running for cover.

**RED BASE**

"How in the hell did the Blues get artillery shells?" Sarge bellowed.

"OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE OH MY GOD!"

"Forget the Blues, how are we gonna deal with the base coming down around our ears? I vote we run as far away as we can!"

"Grif, shut the fuck up, we have a responsibility to this base. Go calm Donut down."

"Kiss-ass."

"Wait a second," Sarge grumbled. "They've stopped! The Blues retreated!"

"Sarge, not to bust your bubble or anything, but I don't think the Blues had anything to do with this."

"Grif, what in Sam Hell do you know about the Blues? Now shut up and go find Lopez—we need to fix the Jeep."

**BLUE BASE**

Tex cringed listening to Caboose whimpering. Not that she blamed him, it sounded like an entire army of rocket launchers was attacking.

"Caboose, stop fucking whining or I'll shoot you myself!"

"Church, I'm scared! I don't want to die!"

"Caboose, I don't really think he cares—'sides, if we're gonna die, that means I finally get some chicks."

"Tucker, you're disgusting," Church commented. "Wait—hear that?"

"Everything's stopped. The guns, the explosions—it's all just stopped." Tex shook her head. "That's…not exactly normal for an attack."

"Normal or not, I'll take it," Church declared. "Let's get topside, inspect the damage."

Surprisingly, the only damage was a series of char-marks on the walls and a few dings from shrapnel. _Strange, looks like they were only trying to scare us,_ Tex mused. _But who would go to all that trouble…_

_"I'm not here to kill anyone, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything."_

"Church, remember last week? That woman who showed up?"

"Yeah, so what? You think she was behind this?"

"Maybe."

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura smirked as she listened to both bases panic over her little display. It had taken a lot of effort, but she'd been able to modify the explosive shells to be little more than an impressive fireworks display. No one was hurt, but everyone was clearly rattled—exactly as she'd planned. _Though the Red sergeant is clearly lacking in common sense—how did he even _get_ to be the leader of a fictitious army platoon? Hell, the Blue leader has more sense, and he's not even higher than a private!_ Still, both sides were rattled, and both sides knew she could strike at any moment—even if no one knew who she was. Chuckling, she began planning the next phase. _Let's wait a bit on the next attack, let them panic themselves. That doesn't mean I'm going to let up, though—just attack in a different way._ She was looking forward to this.


	4. Chapter 3: Prank War Paranoia

Hello again! I'm back with another chapter of everyone's favorite RVB story! Right? (crickets chirping) Oh... Anyways, I also noticed I'd forgotten to put in the very beginning of my last chapter, so that's also up now. And if anybody has any pranks they've used and would like to see featured here, let me know! I'll be happy to put 'em in! :D

Also, I'm compiling a list of everyone's favorite Blade quotations, if anyone would like to share their favorite Blade remark-or even something you wish she would've said-feel free to drop me a line! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or RVB.

**Chapter Three: Prank War Paranoia**

_"SPARTAN-000, reporting in."_

_ "Affirmative, SPARTAN-000, awaiting status report."_

_ "Phase Two initiated successfully. Continuing as planned. No casualties."_

_ "Understood. Reactions from subjects?"_

_ "Not what we were hoping for. Details are attached. Looks like Texas is the only skilled person out here."_

_ "Risk assessment to project?"_

_ "Negative. Red Team is led by an inept sergeant with an over-inflated ego. Blue Team has an intelligent leader with poor leadership skills. Further details are attached."_

_ "Roger that, continue with Phase Two. Do not initiate direct contact."_

_ "Understood. Any news?"_

_ "None at this time. Command is also concerned, and sending out ships. Proceed as planned."_

_ "Understood. SPARTAN-000, out."_

**August 3, 2556 0227 hours**

**Blood Gulch Canyon**

**Day Twelve**

Laura slipped into Red Base completely undetected, partly through her active camouflage and partly through the lack of a sentry. _They think they're at war and have no lookouts at night? Even the rebels had sentries!_ Still, there was really no cause to complain, since she had a lot to do—starting with the lace curtains. _Lace, really? What is it about lace that it's so popular? It's too damn fragile!_ Quietly removing the curtains from the wall, she began to very carefully apply some color to the bland beige fabric. Once that was done, she slipped into the latrine, where a few new bottles of shampoo and bars of soap made an appearance: she knew for a fact that everyone showered before breakfast. _Though some of them clean up sooner than others, like Donut-he's always up first_, she mused, carefully replacing Sarge's shampoo bottle. _This is gonna be good!_

Job done, Laura headed for the exit…and ran headlong into the barrel of a shotgun. Sarge was on the other end, red armor glinting in the faint light.

"Well, well, what d'we have here?" Sarge growled. "One of those stinkin' Blues thought they could sneak in and spy on us, eh?"

"And what makes you think I'm a 'Blue,' as you put it?" Laura smiled. It wasn't a friendly smile, by any means—Sarge was an idiot, and that was putting it politely. Won't be too hard to get past him.

"Girlie, ya ain't gonna fool me so easy. Now we're gonna take a little walk, and you're gonna tell me what you damn Blues are up to."

"I don't think so." A simple flick of the wrist and the shotgun was spinning across the floor. Dodging the Red soldier, Laura sprinted off into a nice, shadowy corner; by the time Sarge came past, she had disappeared.

"What in the Sam Hell…? Where'd she go?"

_If you only knew,_ Laura thought as she slipped out. It was almost dawn and she still had to stop at Blue Base.

**0625 hours**

**Unknown Location, Blood Gulch Canyon**

_That bedroll has never looked so good_, Laura thought as she returned to camp. She knew she couldn't sleep yet, though, not while she had to observe the nutjobs. _Need more stims, or coffee, or something! Oooooooh, hot chocolate and honey!_ A tired grin played on her face as she put some hot water on. While she watched the pot, ready to add the powdered mix, Laura keyed in the radios to listen to the results' of her morning's efforts.

**RED BASE**

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Grif, Sarge, and Simmons all bolted into the room, guns drawn, to find Donut screaming his head off. A few seconds later they saw why: sometime during the night the lace curtains Donut had hung everywhere had been dyed in a horrible combination of orange, magenta, neon green, and fluorescent yellow. The dyes weren't even spread in an identifiable pattern, just scattered in random blotches and disgusting squiggles.

"Donut, what the fuck is all the screaming about? They actually look a lot better," Grif snickered.

"_Ruined!_" Donut wailed. "My beautiful lace curtains _ruined!_ Who could've done this?"

"Donut, would you quit yer caterwallin' already!" Sarge bellowed. "The Blues obviously snuck in last night and dealt with the damn curtains." He snickered mid-rant. "Have to say it's actually an improvement."

Simmons yawned. "Well, if that's all that's going on I think I'm gonna go clean up."

Leaving Donut to his wailing, the three Red soldiers trooped to the latrine—and within minutes were screaming.

"OH MY GOD MY HAIR IS PINK!"

"WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE FLOWERS!"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY SKIN IS PURPLE!"

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura snickered as she listened to the various horrified reactions from Red Base. _This is _WAY_ too fun! I should've given Sarge pink hair too!_ Still, seeing Grif with pink hair and Simmons in a lovely shade of lilac had its merits too.

Chuckling at the continued screaming from Red Base, Laura turned her attention to the other base, wondering what kind of morning they were having.

**BLUE BASE**

"GOD _DAMN_ IT!" Church punted yet another Beanie Babies toy down the corridor, swearing loud enough to make a sailor cringe. "Where the hell did these things come from?"

"Fuck if I know, dude," Tucker muttered, before grinning. "Hey, why don't you ask Tex? Prolly her thing."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" A woman's scream echoed down the hall, soon followed by Tex in…black and pink armor? Someone had gone to a lot of effort to paste large, pink hearts all over her armor. In spite of themselves the two men started chuckling, causing Tex to glare at them.

"Which one of you two fuckheads did this?" she asked, her tone threatening.

"Hey, don't look at us!" Tucker protested. "We've been trying to figure out where all these fucking Beanie Babies came from!"

"CHUUUUUUUUUUUURCH!" Caboose came running by crying. Or rather, what _looked_ like Caboose—if Caboose had been born a Smurf with an addiction to LSD. His face had been painstakingly painted in several different shades of blue.

"Caboose, what the hell happened to you?" Church ran after him, followed by Tex in her heart-studded armor. They finally caught up to him in the latrine, furiously scrubbing at his face—whatever paint had been used, it was proving impossible to wash off.

"I woke up…and I looked in the mirror…and I was blue everywhere."

"Yeah, that much is obvious, genius," Church snorted.

Meanwhile Tucker was carefully examining his armor for surprise stickers when his foot bumped into a crate—a crate that was suspiciously long and narrow. He bent down and threw it open.

"Oooooh, finally!" he grinned. Pulling out the sniper rifle and caressing it lovingly, he began to check the scopes…wait, why wasn't it aligning? The scope was set and zeroed in, everything was working…wait…

Carefully looking the rifle over, he could faintly make out the words "Made in China" etched into the butt.

"FUCK!"

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura smiled happily: another day's work accomplished. _Blue Team didn't exactly react as profoundly as I hoped. Prolly do this kind of thing to each other on a regular basis. Oh well, I'll figure out something._ Moving her equipment to a secure position, she turned her attention to her bedroll. It was time for a nap.


	5. Chapter 4: Flaming Red Faces

Happy New Year! Hopefully everyone had a good Christmas-and got everything you could possibly want. Sorry it took so long to update, I needed to think of some new pranks. This chapter's solely on Red Team-I'll get the Blues next time, I promise. Also, I'm still taking prank requests, so if anybody has any pranks they'd like to see featured here, let me know! I'll be happy to put 'em in! :D

Still waiting on everyone's fave Blade quotes. Feel free to drop me a line and send me your top picks! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo or RVB.

**Chapter Four: Flaming Red Faces**

_"SPARTAN-000, reporting in."_

_"Confirmed, SPARTAN-000, we read you."_

_"Phase Two progressing. Had a bit of a close call, Red Team's sergeant got the drop on me."_

_"Please elaborate, you say he got the drop on you?"_

_"Just a case of bad timing. Cover is intact, he thinks I'm an operative for Blue Team. Subjects appear unaware of 'Project Freelancer', or their status."_

_"Copy that, proceed as planned."_

_"Understood."_

**August 7, 2556 2345 hours**

**Blood Gulch Canyon**

**Day Sixteen**

It had been a few days since her prank war ambush, and Laura was getting bored.

True, her days had been productive, observing the ins and outs of both bases, and she knew enough about Red team to set up a few more nasty pranks. Blue Team wouldn't be on the receiving end for a while, considering that she wasn't sure how to bother them—and based on their reactions, she was pretty sure they were too used to that sort of thing. _That's actually only a minor tactic, though_, she mused,_ just need to change my methods._ The biggest problem with pranks was that, no matter how good they were, you had to wait until the victim was relaxed and secure to get the maximum effect.

And Laura hated waiting.

_Everything's in place, all I need is the right time_, she mused as she cleaned up the remnant's of her meal. The rubber snakes and the fake tarantulas were in a satchel at the back of her cave, and the phony memo was carefully packaged to look newly-arrived. _Grif 's a problem, hard to tell what would horrify him the most._ Eventually she came up with an idea, and an extremely evil grin spread across her face. _This is going to be fun!_

**August 8, 2556 0013 hours**

**Red Base**

Laura slipped past Sarge's patrol route with extreme care—she'd learned he was the only one who took it seriously. _And I'm certainly _not_ about to let him get the drop on me again_. Simmons' room was the first stop, and she carefully placed the packages in his bunk, smirking as he rolled over and grabbed one. _Lucky for him those things aren't real_. Donut was next, and she carefully laid things out around his head, taking special care with the hangings. Grif's was that much harder, but by the time she was done it was all Laura could do to keep from giggling. Finally, a stop by the communications room to leave her phony missive, straight from Red Command. _I can't _wait_ to see how this plays out_, she grinned as she slipped away.

It was tricky business, getting around Sarge's patrol route, but before long Laura was far enough away to let loose the giggles she'd been holding; the giggles gave way to full-out laughter, and she had to stop and lean against the rocks while she let go. Clutching her sides, she laughed like hell and gasped for air.

"Oh…oh man…I wish I could see their faces," Laura wheezed, finally getting a grip on herself. Staggering to her feet, Laura shakily started back to her campsite—Red Base wouldn't wake for several hours, so she had time to snag a few winks.

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RBV RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

**0710 hours**

**Unknown location, Blood Gulch Canyon**

Laura was up early, earlier than any of the other inhabitants in the canyon, and switching on her equipment—she couldn't wait to hear the various reactions to her latest debacles. _It's too early to for them to be up yet_, she reminded herself as she scraped together some breakfast. Usually she skipped that meal altogether, but today she treated herself to a protein bar and a few swigs of water. As she chewed on a particularly large chunk of granola, Laura plugged in to her listening devices and waited for the shit to hit the fan.

**RED BASE**

Simmons woke up slowly, his grip momentarily tightening on something smooth and rubbery. Puzzled, he looked down at the object in his hand.

"AHHHHHHH! HOLY SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK DID THEY COME FROM?"

Down the hall, Donut was jerked awake from the screams, and found himself tangled in something thick and sticky. To his horror several large spiders were hanging in front of him, and there were others in the bed.

"OH MY GOD! KILL THEM! GET THEM OFF!" He started thrashing in the webs, only getting himself more tangled as the spiders came closer….

"Donut, what the fuck?" Grif started as he appeared in the doorway. He did a double-take, then started laughing hysterically.

"Grif, this isn't funny! Get them off!"

"Donut, they're fake!" Grif chortled as he grabbed one of the fake tarantulas and squeezed. "Look."

Simmons appeared in the room, a rubber snake in his hand. "Someone paid us a visit last night, stuck a shit-ton of these in my bed." He smirked as he took in the sight of Donut, tangled up in fake cobwebs and surrounded by fake tarantulas. "Think we should let him out?"

"Nah," Grif snickered. "He's fine, just looks funny."

"Grif, Simmons, what in sam hell—" Sarge trailed off and started chuckling as he entered the room. "Alright, which one of you two did this?"

"Wasn't me," Grif shrugged.

"Me either, sir. Somebody got me too, only mine were snakes."

Sarge sighed. "Grif, cut Donut down. Simmons, you have patrol." He headed off to communications, reading the latest transmissions from Command.

"We regret to inform you that the war is over. As of twelve days ago Red Command surrendered to the Blue forces. You are ordered to disperse and await further instructions.

Signed,

Admiral I. Gatyagud"

"Wait a minute…"

Grif chuckled as he listened to Sarge ranting about something from the communications room. From the sounds of things he'd gotten another prank memo—like the one the Blues sent where Santa was wearing a blue suit from now on.

"He never learns," he snickered, reaching for his secret stash of junk food…and pulling out freeze-dried fruits and vegetables.

"What the hell? Where's my stuff?"

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura snickered as she listened to the chaos in Red Base. _Poor Grif, so lost without his Oreos. Ah well, maybe he'll develop a taste for dehydrated bananas._ Popping a cream-filled cupcake in her mouth, she grinned and began planning her next offensive.


	6. Chapter 5: Monday Morning Blues

Greetings to all my readers! My apologies for the long delay, but I got hit with writer's block and got stuck! :( Anyways, looking like I might be wrapping this up soon-running out of ideas and have already run through my limited knowledge of pranks. We'll see what happens, though-and if anyone has prank ideas, feel free to share! :D

Disclaimer: I don't own Halo.

**Chapter Five: Monday Morning Blues**

_"SPARTAN-000, do you read?"_

_"SPARTAN-000, copy. Read you loud and clear."_

_"Status advisory: Section III is considering acceleration of Project: Freelancer. Agent Wyoming is in readiness."_

_"Acceleration? Has something happened?"_

_"The AI Omega has been reported in your area. We're not entirely sure, but it appears the AI has gone rampant or, at the very least, rogue. Further details are attached."_

_"Understood. Will this impact the mission here?"_

_"Most likely. Proceed as planned, but be prepared for a fast pull-out. Should you encounter Omega, do not engage. He's Freelancer's problem, not ours."_

_"Copy that. SPARTAN-000, out."_

**August 10, 2556 0418 hours**

**Blue Base, Blood Gulch Canyon**

**Day Eighteen**

Laura quietly made her way through Blue Base to the commissary, a broad grin on her face as she found the coffee containers. All of the occupants drank coffee of various kinds: Caboose was kept on flavored decaf, Tex took espresso, Church and Tucker liked basic black. _I think a change is in order here,_ she thought as she switched the various coffees. As if that weren't enough, she replaced the cereals with whole-grain, the pancake syrup with molasses, and the powdered sugar with non-dairy creamer. Satisfied, she turned her attention to the bathroom, then the gunports. _Oh, they are gonna be _pissed_, and I'm not even done yet!_ Considering the recent transmission from ONI, Laura had decided to accelerate her own timetable. When she was done here, she would stop off at Red Base and drop off a few packages.

"Stop right there!" _SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!_ Turning slowly, she encountered the black-armored figure of Agent Texas, armed and extremely pissed off.

"Agent Texas, I was hoping to run into you again—though I admit I hadn't quite pictured it under these circumstances." Laura kept her voice down, glancing around to be sure they were alone. Command had ordered her to not interfere, but she'd heard of O'Malley's brutality and past. _Only fair to warn her_.

"What the hell have you been doing? Is this whole canyon a playground to you?" Tex was mad, and honestly Laura couldn't blame her.

"No more than it was for you—but orders are orders. And right now I'm breaking mine." Quick as a flash she kicked out and knocked the rifle from Tex's armored grip—a lucky shot, but she wasn't about to complain. Darting away, she ran outside and cloaked, hoping Tex would follow; sure enough, the black-armored freelancer appeared outside the entrance. Aiming a narrow-beam COM at her helmet, Laura spoke quickly.

"Omega's here, in the canyon. I don't know where he is, who he's in, or what he's doing, but he's here. Wyoming's getting ready to deploy, no telling when he'll show up."

"What?" Tex's voice sounded incredulous, but Laura kept talking.

"I just found out myself. You and I both know this canyon's not what it seems, that Red and Blue don't exist—and we both know about your old AI. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this, my orders are to observe and test the two armies, just in case the Covenant return and we need them to step up. But you need to know, they're gonna need you down the road."

"Thought you said Wyoming was coming here?"

Laura snorted. "You really think Wyoming can be trusted? He can be bought, and easily—Omega knows that. You, on the other hand, are as reliable as you are bloodthirsty," she chuckled, "and you have more to lose. Just watch your back." Closing the COM, Laura disappeared into the night, hoping she'd done the right thing._ Here's hoping Texas can keep her mouth shut now._

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

**0723 hours**

**Unknown location, Blood Gulch Canyon**

Laura wasn't usually nervous in this canyon, but today she was on edge, mostly because she knew everything depended on Tex. _Will she keep her mouth shut, or am I wrong? Only one way to find out._ Taking a deep breath, she tuned in to the bugs in Blue Base.

**BLUE BASE**

Tucker stumbled into the kitchen, looking for his favorite coffee cup—somehow it was always getting misplaced. Surprisingly, for once it was sitting out in the open, right next to a mess of instant coffee powder, powdered sugar, and what looked like cereal flakes—Caboose had already been up and made himself breakfast, apparently.

"Fuckin' dumbass, does he even know how to clean up after himself?" he grumbled making himself a cup of coffee: black, with a few squirts of maple syrup. Or so he thought; what came out of the syrup bottle was definitely _not_ maple syrup. Thick, dark, and very creepy-looking, the sticky substance glopped its way into his coffee.

"What the fuck? Hey Church, get your ass in here!"

"What the fuck is it this time, Tucker?" Church grumbled, dark hair in one massive mess and eyes half-shut. "Did Caboose make another mess in the kitchen?"

"Dude, look what happened to the syrup!" The dark stuff slopped on the counter along with Caboose's breakfast debris; Church simply whacked Tucker in the head.

"Ow, what the fuck dude!"

"Tucker, it's fucking molasses! Caboose probably switched it with the syrup bottle by mistake. There's nothing wrong with your fucking syrup!"

"Molasses?" Tucker stuck his finger in the sticky goo and tasted it. "Hmmm…not bad."

Shaking his head, Church went to make his own coffee; since he never added anything it took far less time to make, and he was sipping in a matter of seconds. At least, he was—after taking the first sip, he immediately spat it back out.

"What the hell? Who fucking switched coffees!"

Tucker tasted his and repeated the same action. "Dude, it's Caboose's coffee!"

In slight worry, they went looking for Caboose, finding along the way that their gunports were covered in red lace curtains and flowered screens. Someone had apparently paid them a visit during the night.

"You two fuckheads might want to be careful when you hit the showers," Tex uncloaked from behind them, a smirk on her face. "Someone added hair dye to your shampoo and gave you flower-scented soaps."

"Oh, that's just fucking great," Church yelled. "First the coffee, now the showers? What next?"

They got their answer a few moments later, when a lime-green-haired Caboose bounded past them yelling gibberish was followed by a series of loud explosions.

**RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB RVB**

Laura snickered at the various exclamations, screams, and curses in her ears as she set off her explosive presents. Again, nothing harmful, just enough to "stir up the anthill" as her country friends put it. _Lucky for them, they're not the only ones today,_ she grinned as she pressed another detonator—from the other end of the canyon, faint explosions could be heard.


End file.
